I don’t know (what the future holds) – the story behind the song
Wow, this song is over 20 years old now… so with 20-20 hind sight I can look at my single late twenty-something self and tell her exactly what her future held, when she wrote that song!
At that time, I was supporting worship on the keyboard in my church and on the lookout for God’s husband for me. My father had heart failure and although I had never been close to him, I still loved him, and wanted him to see me happily married, so that he could die in peace knowing his precious little girl would be looked after.
I also wanted the successful career… I was an aspiring primary school teacher, but it just seemed as though career and my life in general was on hold. Everyone around me was getting their breaks in the careers, getting married, having babies – all the things I longed for, yet was out of my grasp. I really had no tangible route for my future – apart from a gift of writing songs, but I trusted God, and wanted Him to lead me where he wanted me.
So in the late 90’s I shared this song in my church in Torquay, and the band played it with the big band feel, just as I had imagined it. It went down so well. I was so encouraged.
However I had a problem. Although I could make a basic recording of it on my computer, this really wasn’t my talent, and I knew I’d never be able to do the song justice.
I would just have to trust God that if my gift was to be used he would find a way.
So why has it taken 20 years to record this song?
20 years of battling with God.
Why instead of providing me with the perfect husband, did He allow me to marry a charming man, who claimed to be a Christian, yet was a compulsive liar, and a thief? We had a beautiful daughter together, but after 2 years of marriage, of trying to make it work, I could not continue with this travesty of a marriage when my husband was continually undermining everything I had worked so hard to achieve – our home, my career and continued to lie and steal from me.
A couple of years later, I met my son’s Dad. A police officer. Clearly I should be able to trust him – and I did for 5 years. Not a spirit filled Christian, but he supported me and encouraged me to join church, where close friends of his were missionaries with MAF. There I joined the worship team, and gradually became more actively involved in this.
My career had not progressed at all during this time. I now lived 30 miles away, the daily commute was so draining. I applied for closer jobs, but was never successful. Then I had a new head at the school I was working in. He promised that he would make all the teachers outstanding. Brilliant I thought to myself – now I would be in a position to get that new job!
What I hadn’t appreciated was that if he couldn’t make a staff member outstanding for whatever reason, he was going to put that member of staff in a position where they would have to resign. I was commuting for 2 hours every day, over 40 with a very young family. I didn’t have surplus energy to invest. The writing was on the wall. I wrote my letter of resignation.
This wasn’t the career that I had envisaged. Was this really what God wanted from me? I prayed so hard during this time. I loved teaching, why should I have to give it up? Yet I knew a peace in the turmoil that only God provides. I focused on the fact that I would now have time to invest in my family and my mother who had now been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. That thought kept me going, and each day was a step of faith as I wondered how God was going to provide for us.
As I drew closer to God, finding peace in Him, unbeknown to me, my son’s dad started an affair. My daughter was now 12, and desperately unhappy. Her step-father and step-sister were making life really hard for her, especially when I wasn’t around. She went to stay with her Dad 300 miles away for her summer break. She never returned. Instead I had to go to court to fight for her residency. I lost. My heart was broken.
What kind of mother loses her child like this? How do you tell people what has happened without them jumping to obvious conclusions? And even if I took the time to explain… you still knew they were thinking “there must be more that she isn’t letting on to”
Within weeks of losing my daughter, I was also faced with the truth that my son’s dad had had an affair, but it was over. I thought we were now trying to rekindle our relationship, now the truth was out. No more lies… How gullible was I? He was already in another affair… but it took him 3 more months before he actually told me and decided that he wanted to end our relationship.
We had never married. I had always wanted marriage, but he hadn’t so I guess that was a blessing in disguise now.
Within 6 months I had lost my daughter, my partner, my step-daughter, my home, and my son was shared between the two of us. Half the time I was alone, and I was so close to losing my marbles as I visited my mother who had already lost hers. It all took its toll on my mental health, so my contract at my school was not renewed.
Yet despite all this, God was faithful. I always had enough work as a supply teacher to pay my bills. My church became my family and my support. I found the perfect flat to rent opposite my child-minder (How convenient was that? God knew exactly what I needed)
But still, I wrestled with God.
My head told me God is faithful. He loves me. He is my provider. He wants the best for His children.
So why had I been through everything I’d been through (and you’ve only heard part here!)? Why had He not answered my life long prayer for a wonderful Christian husband? Why had he given me snakes and stones instead?
Matthew 7:9-11 New Living Translation (NLT)
9 “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? 10 Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! 11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”
I knew this verse was true – but it made me angry, and bitter. As I saw my mother deteriorate I screamed and shouted at God in prayer as I travelled to see her, desperate for an answer. “WHY LORD?”
The answer was “Why not? I haven’t promised that this life would be easy-The world is broken”.
The more I thought about it, I realised the truth in this, and Jesus definitely hadn’t had an easy ride – so why should I?
But this scripture also rankled with me:
Psalm 68:6 New Living Translation (NLT)
6 God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
I had my children but there was no one for me. On my 49th birthday my children were not with me, so it came and went. No-one made a fuss, no presents to open. My loneliness was shouting at me. Could God really answer this desire of my heart?
Despite two failed marriages, I still longed to be in a happy marriage. I’d had my profile on online dating sites, been on numerous dates, but had given up on them. I knew I wanted a Christian man, but there just weren’t any near me. I was going to take my profile off… but something said … no leave it there. If the door is closed how can he reach you?
And he did.
I’d often heard people say “How do you know you’ve met the right one?” and heard the answer, “You just know”. Well corny as it sounds – we knew. And as we grow together we see how much the Lord has carefully put us together. Yes we were both broken, but together we are greater than the sum of each of us.
And as we got to know each other we shared our dreams. And I shared the songs that I’d written, the hopes that I’d had 20 years before life got in the way. This song was special to me, as I held onto the truth, “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.”
The song needed to be brought into the new millennium. That’s where Charles came to the rescue. So between us we have finally given this song a new lease of life.
My prayer it that the truth that is held in the words will empower you, give you strength to face whatever you are facing, and that you turn to Him for answers, as you follow where he leads.
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